I Can't Grow Up

I never learned how to curse. I twitch when I try to do it in cold blood. Unfortunately, I live in an environment where I'd be labeled a prude if I kept with my usual assortment of exclamations (Oh my, Good Heavens, Oh dear, Good Lord, Oh man, Goodness gracious). So through many tense, violent video games, I've evolved my own set of curse words that can sometimes be mistaken for proper curses. Some of these are my own, some of these I've ripped intentionally or accidentally from elsewhere.

This one I thought was my own, but someone used 'shiz' as a replacement for 'shit' on a comment for a Jenna Marbles video. Subconsciously, I am picking up hip slang! I might not even need fake curse words soon!

This one's confusing, because "dude" is already a word. You just draw out the oooooo so it sounds more like the thing womenfolk can use to clean their lady bits. 

Fugg's dangerous, because it almost always gets mistaken for the Other Word. I use this one in video games, mostly, rather than in general public. I have to be in the moment for it, you know.

My other problem is my inability to understand alcohol. Now that I'm 21, I feel like I should be a master, or at least an apprentice. I recently figured out tequila's probably clear, Schnapps is not the same as grenadine, and beer is disgusting. But I'm still proud of being 21, so I'll order drinks at restaurants just to get them to card me! I sip shooters, gag on quarter-shots, taste high quality vodka and say 'bleh!', and basically am the most graceless college student of legal age in the world.

And my pairings are the worst. I'm operating under this theory that if I combine things I love, it will be awesome. This doesn't work in most cases (macaroni should go with milk. Period), but I did discover the best pairing in the entire world.

Instructions: Go to Taco Bell. Order two XL Baja Blasts, no ice. Take them home. Mix with vodka to pleasure. 

Between the vodka, caffeine, and sugar, you'll have the most delicious night ever! 

Unfortunately, since the Baja hides the vodka exceptionally well, it can lead to some surprise drunkenness. I discovered this when I decided to play Mount and Blade while drinking. 

I was pretty pumped, downed the last of my VodkaBaja so I could focus on the game, and charged forth.

Into a tree.

The next day I woke up with about five quests I don't remember accepting, and a fresh lesson on why I should never drink and drive. I drove my virtual horse into a tree.

On the bright side, my poor tolerance for alcohol, and the desensitizing from pseudo-curses changed my gameplay. Whenever I get into a smackdown with some alien/zombie/Luigi, I can let go. Liberated from societal conditioning, I sink into my freedom.

Oh God the Internet

So this is what I've been doing instead of preparing for the GREs and writing my thesis. And you, too, can follow my example. 

http://www.everythingisterrible.com/2011/03/sex-ed-4-kidz.html

Aside from Mr. T, these are to be credited to my recent discovery of EverythingIsTerrible.com. Also I know the creativity song wasn't fair to you guys, but I haven't been genuinely surprised in an internet video since that car commercial/screaming dead guy clip. I figured it was worth experiencing!

Why the Greats of Literature Never Got Laid

The Greats of Literature have a lot going for them, and seductive, romantic poetry that defies the boundaries of their period is one of their greatest virtues. Unfortunately, their revolutionary outlook probably did not help their love life even a little bit. 

John Donne, for example, trying to seduce a woman by saying that a parasitic insect already helped them exchange fluids.

This time-consuming, intellectual approach appeals to those ladies who will enjoy a good banter instead of a good romp in a hay field. Peasant Man knows better, and employs a well-placed pickup line.

Andrew Marvell tried to hurry his lady up by telling her a mortal's time is too short to play games. Romantic in spirit, only he got a little bit excited about some of his imagery. 

Alternatively:

Shakespeare's sonnet 130 teaches us a lot about love in the modern era. But it's one of those lessons you like to appreciate when not directly applied to you.

 And all of a sudden, Shakespeare's dark lady is on the prowl and single, likely to be drawn towards Peasant Man and his cliche but tried and tested lines. If the Literary Classics had stuck to the classics of pickup tricks, they probably would have produced more Little Literary Classics.